Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
You Might Also Like
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.