Bruh PLEASE
You Might Also Like
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
sir, my pâté if you please
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
my first dose meeting my second
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them