A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Going into Monday like
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.