[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You Might Also Like
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.