“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*