cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
True
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
this country is so goddamn polarized
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?