Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?