Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
mmm onion ringos
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah