me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.