Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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I have a new favorite meme page
Very good news from my accountant
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
that lip filler tho
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.