[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.