The “research” scene in every horror movie
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saw this in a dream
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good