mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.