I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter