Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I need to update my racial profile.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Blew out my flip flop…
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
🤔😂😂