[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
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JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Not all heroes wear capes.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts