the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.