SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Traveler’s camo
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.