Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”