“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.