I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Great game to play with friends
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”