Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
synchronized noseblowing
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.