Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
adam and eve had first world problems
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
🤣🤣🤣
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me too 😆
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”