me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Everything reminds me of my ex
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar