Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Optional boss fight.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My dog learned how to text
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”