Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.