dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
When he asks for feet pics
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*