Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have