I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
the rocks need my help
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!