When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
are there any atheist mantises?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.