Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.