JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The dark side of Canada
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on