[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Breaking news:
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.