No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.