Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
5 ways to appear taller
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Love this one 😂🧟
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.