“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
That eye roll….
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward