my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.