What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots