Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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my fav colour is also hitler
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.