Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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I’m not lazy
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why