me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
im 7 sauces long