Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
This trial is so absurd 😭
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.