If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe