[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
So the ex texted me
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.