VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.