“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*