To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
<- sleeps well with others
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
#CoronaOutbreak
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.