I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
when you order from DoorDastardly
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
That’s a good costume, I hope.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)