Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.