Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please